I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
