how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
