Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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