At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
