I'm gonna have a badass scar
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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