Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
