P.S. I can't hear my feet
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
