so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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