im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I can't turn off my feet"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
