Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
