today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
