What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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