I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My boob is missing a layer of skin
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
