there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
