sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize