After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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