She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
