Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
