sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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