my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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