Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
