So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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