He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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