Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
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