Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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