I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize