Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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