I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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