i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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