I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
