i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
