i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
