I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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