sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
