we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
my sisters under your porch take her home
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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