I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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