I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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