I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
