I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize