Will you blow on my dice?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
