I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
barbara walters just said penis...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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