someone get that fucking seahorse.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
