Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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