I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
