I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize