can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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