Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
