decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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