I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i already hear my dad disowning me
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize