Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
