I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I can't turn off my feet"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
