I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
