Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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