either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
