textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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