You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
