I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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