I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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