Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
