my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
