fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
