Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
